There are certain lines drawn fiercely in a straight relationship that are dotted, blurred or completely erased in a gay relationship. For example, here’s a scenario…
Woman: “Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?” (The world’s most unfair question. The poor schmuck can only rely on his gut instinct for survival to get through it.)
Man: “No. Babe, I love you in those jeans! (He’s treading thin ice, but used a pet term, while reinforcing that he loved her, and also loved her in those jeans.)
Moving to the same conversation in a gay relationship…
Man 1: “Hey, are these jeans okay? Too tight?” (And then he winces, waiting for the response, but prepared for the worst.)
Man 2: “Um, yeah. Don’t even try to pull that look off until you lose another 10 lbs. When was the last time you were at the gym, any way? And by the way, you’re not 20 any more, stay away from the G-Star and start dressing your age. I’m not meeting our friends for dinner with you dressing like a twink.”
And there you have it. No unanswered questions, a salted ego, and a sharp dose of reality from the gays. But in our home? There’s a little more humor involved. In fact, Chris had me laughing so hard yesterday, it inspired this post.
Alan: “Have you noticed I’ve been dropping pounds? I can wear pants now I haven’t been able to wear in a while.”
Alan: “Really?” (Yes, a brave question, stupidly inviting the harsh reality of a weight discussion among aging gay men.)
Chris: “Yes. And it’s a good thing, too. You were actually as big as a whale for a while there.”
Alan: Shocked laughter.
Chris: “When you walked, your gut lead the way.” (Dead pan delivery.)
Alan: “Shut up, %!@#$!!”
Chris: “It’s true. (Enter gleam in eye.) I was worried someone was going to walk up with a bottle of champagne and break it over your head, thinking you were a boat heading out to sea that needed christening.”
Alan: Laughter and choking on iced latte.
Even now when I post about it, I crack up. God love him. I don’t know where I found him, but as full of piss and vinegar as he can be, I’ll keep him. He makes me laugh. And that counts big time, right? Hmmm… maybe there are more similarities to straight/gay relationships than I thought.