Working Through Brittle, Painful, Christmas Day Memories

Ah, and you thought I’d be whining about lost loves or family dramas. Nope. We’re talking Christmas Trees. The kind that gave up the ghost about about a week before Christmas morning no matter how much you watered, misted and humidified. Dry. Brittle. Hapless. Pyromaniac heaven. THOSE Christmas trees. MY Christmas tree…

Don’t get me wrong. I loved it, but was so ready to get rid of it — in all of its mummified glory — that it was out the door before 11 AM this morning, Christmas morning. Normally, I get so frustrated when the tree has to come down, that I just pull all the decorations and chuck the tree, lights and all. It always feels wasteful, but by the time Christmas is over, the tree is a fire hazard, the limbs have mummified around the light strands, and the needles are heading to the floor like lemmings to the sea. You can watch them. Add all that to the fact that condo/apartment living and live Christmas tree disposal is always fraught with rules, regs, and penalty fees, if you don’t do everything just so. But, this year, I actually played a little Martha Stewart/Chef Andre combo and came up with a great way to dispose of it! Check it out!

I used a pair of bonsai scissors (past Christmas gift courtesy of my fabulous brother Dave — you may remember seeing his zen garden photos on this blog’s landing page…) and simply cut away all of the branches a bit at a time, shoved them in garbage bags, giving me direct access to the tree lights without scratching the hell out of my fingers and forearms on all the dead branches. Snip, snip, nip, tuck, done.

Then, when the lights were off — and they basically just fell away — I just cut away the rest of the branches all the way up, wrapped the trunk in a painter’s drop cloth, sealed it with tape, and hauled it right through the common area’s lovely carpeted hallway without dropping a single needle.

Project complete. Almost… Now Chris has me looking at every type of artificial Christmas tree produced over the last 20 years in the hunt for the perfect artificial tree. Synthetic Spruce or Lucite-limbed? Ah, the holiday projects just never stop, do they?

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