Kill the Happy Vampire!

One thing you may not remember about me is that I have a very, very active imagination. My daydreams are often ridiculously vivid, life-threatening narratives involving family and friends, and yes, tragic death. Chris just shakes his head and asks me to “share” a little less often. And then he asks what the life insurance limits are.

And one thing you may remember about me is my confession to having read all of the Twilight novels – twice – and that my real guilty pleasure is TRUE BLOOD, both the novels and the HBO series. Well, with both authors holding out on their next books, and the second Twilight movie still shooting somewhere in Canada, I have to get my supernatural fix somewhere…

So, Chris and I opted to download the Vampire Diaries series on the CW. Yes, the CW. Yes, I’m 46. No, I’m not in therapy. Just move on, please. This is a ridiculous rip-off of the Twilight series, without the sex angst. Soooo without the sex angst. No sex angst here at all. Trust me. You still get all of the famed Edward and Bella “love me, love me not; go away, come here; love interest-to-incite-jealousy” drama that just makes you want to scream and hit mute, but these teens act as though they are in their late twenties.

There are no adults in the town, except for a few “legal guardians” who may be in their early thirties; all of the high school fundraisers are car washes where the kids are wearing pretty much nothing and have bodies so sculpted it puts Olympic gymnasts to shame; every high school hang-out scene occurs at a bar, where drinks are served to every kid over 12; and every individual in this school is so skilled at sex, they must have taken classes with a Kama Sutra instructor. Yes, I know this because I’ve watched every episode — swearing through clenched teeth and rolling eyes that I won’t — and can testify in court to its idiocy. This is one TV show that really makes me glad I don’t have kids. No way could I, as a parent, compete with that. But let’s get to the title of the post: Kill the Happy Vampire!

Lexie -- the Breath of Fresh Air

The writers made a marvelous decision to interrupt the weekly display of angst, frustration, family tragedies (apparently a high number of this town’s parents are either dead, simply missing, or running away with another adult leaving someone behind… it’s actually written into the script), drug and alcohol-induced hangovers and/or depression (we actually went back and reviewed the downloads… none of the main characters smile… ever), lovesick fighting, best friend dumping and locker room brawling to introduce a lovely, funny, beautiful, 350 year-old vampire with a smile that lit up every scene! She was fabulously refreshing, brought out the smiles and best in everyone, and actually made you breathe a sigh of relief at the change of pace and behavior of the characters. AND THEN THEY KILLED HER ALL IN THE SAME EPISOSDE! What? Are you kidding me? The one bright spot in the series snuffed out in 48 minutes. We started laughing when we realized that it didn’t matter who this character was, what she looked like, whether she was human or vampire, but that we had latched onto her like magnets simply because she smiled and laughed! Not so much any more. Dead. Gone. Back to depression and angst. How long can this series really run? As long as suckers like me continue to watch it and post about it, probably. I’m just perpetuating the drama. Maybe it’s time for me to put some of my own tragic, life-threatening narratives into script form and see which network bites… or just rip off someone else’s plot lines. That seems to be a sure thing…

Oh, and about those Twilight novels. Once you discover that Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight novels, is a Mormon woman, working out of her home, all of the sex angst and abstention, stoic resovle to endure and sacrifice, and the protagaonist/newly-turned vampire’s power to protect her loved ones through the power of her love becomes crystal clear. Read them again with that in mind. Completely different story.


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